檳榔嶼

Introduction
- Guilt and self-blame have long been occupational hazards of motherhood.
- It's just common sense that when children come along both parents need to scale down their ambitions and work less, to make room for family life, but the resistance to changing the old roles runs deep.
- Mothers and children remain to this day the most economically unprotected group in the US.
- Parents tell me today how much they want their sons and daughters to survive, to find a place in the world, and maybe to grab a little dignity along the way -and how afraid they are that this won't happen.
- Every category of mothers needs respect, economic protection, recognition, institutional support, and connection to family and friends who care about them.

Do I Have to Breast-Feed My Baby?
- I wish that all the experts who try to create perfect mothers would turn their primary attention toward creating a humane and caring world in which families might flourish.
- We live in a culture that encourages women to cultivate guilt like a little flower garden.

Adoption and Self-Esteem
- When secrecy surrounds adoption it leads to distance and disorientation in the family, and to relationships built on deception rather than trust.
- Children deserve to know the facts about their birth and about how they entered their family.
- Remember that children feel angry, rejected, confused, and sad in countless emotional circumstances other than adoption.
- Don't assume a single source for children's low self-esteem. Overfocusing on one issue is as troublesome as ignoring it altogether.

Does My Son Need a Man in the House?
- Boys suffer from the false notion that they should grow up to be as unlike their mothers as possible. And mothers suffer from the myth that they can "feminize" or "ocntaminate" their sons by too much closeness.
- Olga Silvertein, <<The Courage to Raise Good Men>>, dispels the myth that only a father can make a boy a man or that over-closeness between mothers and sons is a bad thing.
  - We all need multiple connections with other family members, including aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.
    - Kids do best when they are richly connected to their roots.

Helping a Child with Divorce
- There is no one right way to manage stress.
- We can't demand that our children share their feelings with us. We can only help create an emotional climate that fosters self-disclosure.
- Therapy can help you broaden your persepctive on what went wrong in your marriage - as well as what went right - and to clarify your own part in that process.

Should We Allow Our Teenager to Bring Pornography Home?
- We don't have the power to control the literary choices of our children.

Should We Let Our Son Sleep in Our Bed?
- Kids do best when parents are calm, clear, and consistent about family rules.

Talking to Children About Illness and Death
- Dealing with death and loss is the most difficult task that families confront.
- Secrecy or silence may lower anxiety in the present, it shuts down the lines of communication and creates more serious problems over the long haul.
- Children react best when their parents are clear and factual about death 

Our Son Says He's Gay
- Everyone deserves to have love and joy in his/her life, as well as dignity and self-regard.
- We all may internalize society's messages that homosexuality is shameful, sick, or bad.
- The right to be different, the right to be who we are, is the most precious right we have.

Is It Ever OK to Lie to a Child
- Even experts on families have very different beliefs about whether a particular lie is honorable, excusable, questionable, or deplorable.
- We always have options other than lying or "telling all". 
- Privacy is the most basic of human rights, protecting the dignity and ultimate separateness of each family member.
- Too many of us are on automatic pilot when it comes to lying or truth-telling.

We're All the Same on the Inside
- Children do best when they have clear information about their ethnic identity and take pride in their cultural heritage.
- In practice you can't change the fact that others will categorize your children even if you don't, and to forge their own identity your children need to feel connected to their rich cultural traditions.
- Biracial children face the complex challenge of embracing and integrating at least two ethnic identities and distinct heritages.
- This is particularly difficult in a world where differences are feared, silenced - even etradicated - rather than affirmed and celebrated.
- We all internalize some messges from our racist society, and it's better to examine than to ignore them.

Telling Children Secrets
- The selective sharing and guarding of information across generations creates "insiders" and "outsiders" in families.
- The challenge is to create a safe space where family members can ask questions and share their feelings over time.
- THe hidden costs of secrecy can be profoundly disempowering - eroding connection, blocking authentic engagement and trust, and stripping a family of spontaneity, vitality, and connectoin.

Can Single Mothers Raise Boys?
- Feeling inadequate is an occupational hazard of motherhood.

Is It Really All My Fault?
- Sadly, mother-blaming is in our bones. But mothers do dnot single-handedly ruin their children or cause them to be sick.
- Letters give both parties the time and space to think - rather than to react in the old, patterned ways.

I Can't Stop Worring About My Daughter
- The world is unsafe, particularly for women.
- Often, however, we put all our "worry energy" into one basket and fail to identify other sources of stress.