檳榔嶼

Introduction
- Our relationships with our parents - and with other members of our first family - are the most influential in our lives, and they are never simple. Family connections tend to be intense, even when they appear calm.
- Barbara Ehrenreich : "Home is all too often where the small and weak fear to lie down and shut their eyes".
- Families are embedded in a particular cultural context that affects them in any number of ways. Societal and economic inequalities shape the deepest interior of family life, and painful historical events, like the legacy of slavery, take generations to work through.
- When things get intense in family relationships, it typically looks like this:
  1. We confront family members by telling them what's wrong with them and how they should think, feel, or behave differently
  2. We confuse our anxiety-driven confrontations with some act of higher virtue on our part, and we blame the other party for being defensive and unable to hear us.
  3. We then conclude, with God or our therapist on our side, that our mother (or father, or sister, or Uncle Charlie) can't change and it's best to give up on them.
- That's a lot easier than figuring out how we might behave differently, or approach a difficult subject with a bit more timing and tact, or see things from a different angle.
- Distancing can bring short-term relief by freeing us from the intense feelings that are stirred by closer contact. At particular points in our lives, seeking distance can even be esential and life-preserving. But if our only option is to stay cut off forever, there is a long-term cost. Whatever goes unresolved and unaddressed with our family of origin will go underground and then pop up somewhere else, especially if we start a family of our own.
- Working on family relationships is the royal road to change. It's not that we have to like all these folks, or to reconnect with any one of them before we are ready.
- Independence means that we can stay connected to other familiy members while remaining ourselves. It means that we can take a clear position on emotionally important issues without having to change, convince, or fix others who see things differently.
- If we can learn to view our parents and siblings a bit more calmly and objectively - and observe our own part in escalating family patterns that keep us stuck - then our other relationships will be a piece of cake.

My Sister Won't Quit Smoking
- Rest assured that the more you try to fix her, the more likely she is to dig in her heels.

Coping with a Suicide in the Family
- Countless children grow up in families where they are subjected to unspeakable violence and rejection, and the majority of these children do no respond by killing themselves. Futhermore, suicide - like any dysfunctional or desperate behavior - also occurs in the most loving families.

Should I Cross Dad Off My Wedding List??
- Wedding are predictably anxious times in families and often cause existing conflicts to intensify or even explode.

A Helping Hand
- If you want to know how to be most helpful to your sister - ask her.

I Miss My Mother
- It's especially to talk to other women who have lost their mothers to learn how they experienced their mother's death and coped with their loss over time. Such conversations and connections will offer you comfort, insight, wisdom, and the understanding that you're not alone.

My Brother-in-Law Made a Pass at Me
- Silence can pose a greater threat than the difficult truth.
- Family relationships are most at risk when we "protect" others from important facts that affect them, and when difficult emotional issues stay beneath the surface and can't be talked about.

My Distant Dad
- Fathers sometimes don't know how to be close, particularly if tehy were raised in families where their own dads were absent or emotionally unavailable.
  - It's just a common family pattern that's deeply rooted in the roles and rules of our culture. Such patterns change only slowly, over time.
- Pursuing, distancing, and blaming are normal ways of havigating relationships under stress, but they also keep us stuck.
- The intensity we avoid by cutting off from a parent just pops up somewhere else.
- Take it slowly. Substantive change in family relationships sometimes requires us to move at glacial speed.

Is My Sister a Lesbian?
- We all tend to simplify our world by thinkging in terms of dichotomous categories : good and evil, masculine and feminine, yin and yang, heterosexual and homosexual.
  - But People are complex, multifaceted, and changeable.
- Dealing with differences is the greatest of all human challenges.
  - Naming ourselves is an important empowering process and it's understandable that she would feel hurt to have you deny her right to do so.

My Parent Can't Stand My Boyfriend
- The only person you can change is yourself. If you want to live your life as an adult, establish your economic indepedence from your parents.
  - You're not free to make your own choices if you depend economically on another person and if there is no way to carry on without that financial support.
- Learn to state your own position without getting critical or defensive.
  - We're different people and sometimes we're going to see things differently. I hope we can love and supporteach other even when we don't agree.
  - Staying calm, staying connected, and staying true to oneself in the face of difference is perhaps the greatest of all human challenges.

A Death in the Family
- Everyone would feel free to express a complex range of emotions, including anger, guilt, fear, frustration, helplessness, and sadness.

My Sister's Husband Is Abusive
- Violence against women permeates our culture in countless forms. From the dark alley to the Pentagon, we all live in fear of violence. If the entire human family is not working actively toward solutions, we are all part of Ann's problem.

Going Solo
- We women need to create a rich network of relationships throughout our lives and not put all our eggs in the basket of marriage. We also need to bring about vast changes in institutional and social policies so that our society becomes truly responsive to the needs of the elderly.

False Promises
- Lies erode trust and carry a long-term cost.

Keeping a Secret
- One person's right to be angry doesn't mean the the other person is wrong.

My Mother Is Driving Me Crazy
- You're responsible for your own feelings, guilt included, and for making decisions about what you will and will not do.
- Clarify your values and stand behind them with dignity and firmness - while respecting your mother's right to think and feel differently.
- When we introduce new steps to an old dance, we can count on the other person to make a countermove in an attempt to reinstate the status quo.

Is It Weird to Plan Your Own Funeral?
- Women and the elderly have far too little control over what happens to them while they're alive.