檳榔嶼

Introduction
- Each firiend represnets a world in us.
- A close friend distances, a distant friend seeks greater closeness. Some friends are forever, and no two friendships are the same.
- I think friendship brings out the best in us, perhaps because the role of friend is freer of false expectations, compromise, and patriarchal rules than any other.
- Friendship doesn't always come easily or go well.
- But friendship, generally speaking, is what women do best.

Am I Too Needy?
- The problem is not that you're "too needy", but rather than that you're looking to one person to meet all your needs and she's not accepting the job.
  - When we depend on one friend to meet all of our needs, that person can't help but disappoint us.
  - Each friend contributes something unique in the way of wisdom, support, and just plain good times. Having a community of friends helps me not to overreact to the limitations of any one friend.
- Carolyn Heilbrun : "Friendship demands intimacy without ritual... love without patterns of loving. It does not require the expression of desire where desire is not felt - nor will it survive the withholding of genuine response. Because it is not institutionalized, friendship is safe from the hazards of daily rountines, which, pretending to promote intimacy, defeat it."

My Friend Is Dating a Jerk
- When we try to to convince another person of "the truth" or assume an I-know-what's-best-for-you attitude, that person will have less emotional space in which to gather the motivation, competence, and courage to solve - or even see - her own problem.
  - Moreover, we can't really know what another person needs to do at a particular point in time.
- Try to let go of wanting your friend to be who she's not.

A Friend in a Wheelchair
- People fear all kinds of physical differences, and especially those that remind us of our own vulnerability.

I'm Jealous of Her Success
- Friendships suffer not from competition but rather from the denial of it.

My Friend Isn't There for Me When I'm Down
- Distancing is a common way that human beings manage emotional intensity in relationships - which is not to say that it's the nature or responsible thing to do.
- How can we understand Jamie's behavior? She may feel at a loss about how to be helpful. She may be scared of identifying and acknowledging her own depression, even to herself. Or it may be that when she was growing up, Jamie's parents over-or underreacted to her expressions of pain and sadness.
  - Our first family is our most influential context in shaping how comfortable and "present" we can be with another person's emotional pain - and with our own.

Angry with Fat Friend
- The most helpful strategy is to stop trying to be so helpful.
- It's always advisable to become less of an expert on others and more of an expert on oneself. We inspire our friends through the example of our lives, not through lecturing, admonishing, bribing, criticizing, or psychoanalyzing.

She Always Betrays My Confidence
- The real question is why you continue to confide in someone who is unable to honor your confidence.

I'm the Only One Who Can Help
- It's easy to blame the other persion for being "too demanding", but it's ultimately our responsibility to clarify what we can and cannot do.
  - There are limits to what I can do.
- You can be a loving friend and still set clear limits on what you can do.

My Best Friend Is Jealous
- Share your feelings in a nonblaming way. Avoid diagnosing others. Instead, share your own feelings, positive and negative, about the changes in your life.

Starting a Women's Group
- It's invaluable for women to get together on a regular basis to share their personal experiences, and you deserve praise for taking the initiative and starting a group.
  - Each of us might feel most comfortable huddling in a circle with women who are just like us, this is not challenging or even possible.
- Try not to judge, but to listen and understand.
- If a group is successful, over time it should become a safe place wher people can be themselves.
- How do we enhance ourselves without diminishing another? How do we celebrate differences rather than suppressing them?

Have I Sold Out?
- You have a right to your choices, and others have rights to their reactions.
- In relationships, we are all vulnerable to feeling envious, which may be expressed indirectly through disapproval. Or we may get anxious when a friend expresses her/his differences, takes an unpredictable turn, or fails to see things our way.

To Lift or Not to Lift
- Women are encouraged to feel unhappy, even desperate, about the natural aging process, and to experience shame and disconnection from our place in the life cycle. We're bombarded with messages that we're not OK the way we are.

She Said/She Said
- Staying out of the middle doesn't mean keeping silent about what you believe.

Can't Take a Compliment
- Many women don't appreciate their full value and worth, or even if they do, they may not want to be elevated too high above others.
- Even intellectually liberated women may unconsciously feel frightened and guilty about "hurting" others, or incurring their envy, when they are singled out for accolades and praise.

What's Wrong with Giving Advice?
- It's not helpful to give advice to a person who doesn't want it - who just wants you to listen and be present for her.
- Advice is rarely helpful when we deliver it in an intense, I-know-what's-best-for-you way. It's fine to give advice if we recognize that we are only sharing an option ("In my experience, this has worked for me ..." or "I see it this way...."). However, if we feel angry or frustrated because the other person doesn't follow our advice, it's a good indication thwat we shouldn't be giving it.
- Moreover, advice can kick relationships out of balance if we are better at giving it than receiving it.
  - In some friendships and circumstances, the most helpful thing we can do is not to be helpful. Rushing in to offer advice - like rushing in to cheer someone up - may reflect our own inability to remain emotionally present in the face of another person's problems and pain.
  - If we move in too quickly with solutions, we can make it harder for others to be in touch with their own competence and inner resources.
- Learning to be a caring listener and a skilled questioner can go a long way toward empowering others to find their own solutions.

How Can I Win My Friends Back?
- When we isolate ourselves in a steamy relationship, we may not have our friends - or our self-respect - to return to when the relationship ends.