檳榔嶼

人必須先從照顧自己，承諾自己成長 (心靈的成長，擺脫社會化的歧視，為公平正義而努力...  並非收入或地位等父權宰制)，尊重自己，認識自己，信任自己，為自己所有的情緒、慾望、自我實現跟愛負責，去愛自己，然後才能去愛其他人。很顯然地，在父權中的浪漫愛並不是這樣的愛，擁有父權思想的人，尤其是男人，都想要別人照顧自己，尊重自己，認識自己，信任自己，服務自己的愛、情緒、慾望跟價值，拒絕承諾成長，拒絕信任別人，然後拒絕同樣地愛，去愛自己跟愛別人。擁有任何歧視、擁抱宰制思想的人，不懂尊重別人跟自己，無法照顧自己所受的傷，無法認識自己的歧視跟受害，也沒有能力負責。沒有正義就沒有愛。

愛，原來都是自己的事。自己不誠實，最受傷的是自己；不信任、照顧、尊重、認識自己，最受傷的也是自己；無法為自己負責，貶低自己的能力跟人格，無法承諾公平跟成長，永遠活在宰制跟幼稚裡，最受傷的仍然是自己。

- Women are not inherently more interested in or more able to love than are men.
  - Since the business of loving came to be identified as woman's work, females have risen to the occasion and claimed love as our topic.
  - Our obsession with love is sanctioned and sustained by the culture we live in.
- Love came fully into the picture for women only in the nineteenth century, when marriage came to be seen as more than a bonding whose primary purpose was the sharing of resources and the breeding of future workers. European imperialist colonization of other cultures made it possible to idealize female submission.
  - The growth of capitalism allowed there to be a split between home and work, the private and the public. Women's task in the private domain was to create a harmonious household. In the public domain, men could be competitive and unkind.
  - Home was the place where these passions could be tamed. There a man could sit back and relax, as it was woman's task to create a peaceful, nurturing universe. This image of home led to the idealization of motherhood.
- Departing from the classical Greek and Roman ideal that had made love the primary province of men relating to men, as love could exist only between equals, from the focus on God as an all-loving parent, or notions of romantic mutual love, new love stories assigned love to the sphere of domesticity.
- Rather than men's collectively delighting in their emotional dependency on women, they began to devalue the realm of emotions, which meant, of course, that they devalued love.
  - In the patriarchal male imagination, the subject of love was relegated to the realm of the weak and replaced by narratives of power and domination.
- For men, satisfying sexual desire became more important than the art of loving.
  - Sex could take precedence over love because it was like work, a domain where on could engage in power plays
  - Unlike the desire of mutual love, which could happen only with effortful engagement, sexual passion could be easily fulfilled. (也就是說，以性感為標準挑選女人的父權文化，女性伴侶是非常容易找到替代品的)
- Ideas about love that emphasized a soul mate, reciprocal care and devotion, were supplanted by an emphasis on sacrificial care and nurturance. Love became solely woman's work.
- Rather than being inherently able to nurture, females learn how to nurture or how to pretend that they are nurturing.
  - Girls learn how to be "mothers" by imitating female caretakers and by ritual play with dolls.
  - War games and all games of pretend violence teach boys that their role is to take life when necessary, not to give and nurture life.
  - Harriet Lerner, <<The Mother Dance>> : "As it is now, men who wax sentimental about motherhood are rarely scurrying about trying to make career trade-offs in order to be home more with their young children."
- John Gray ("男人來自火星，女人來自金星"作者) re-inscribes and overvalues the very stereotypes about sexual difference that feminist scholarship by women and men has worked so hard to disprove.
  - He does not suggest it would enhance male self-development to be more relational; instead he privileges male emotional withdrawal.
  - Basically, Gray approaches problems in male-female relationships as if patriarchy did not exist and as if male domination were not a reality. Conflicts or unhappiness among heterosexuals is most often just the outcome of miscommunication. (這形成了大眾普遍談論關係裡衝突的論點，大家都琅琅上口的「溝通不良」)
  - "from day one, boys will be boys and girls will be girls". Sexist thinking about the nature of male and female roles in reinforced in this work.
  - male lack of interest in emotional connection is always treated as though it were normal and natural. Yet he most reveals his underlying support of patriarchy by the way in which he makes a virtue of male withholding.
  - The fact that men use emotional withholding as a weapon of psychological terrorism is never discussed.
  - His books are useful to the extent that they offer women strategies for how to live harmoniously with sexist men.
  - Ironically, when I read the book, I found his characterizations of women and what we were like so far removed from real life that I thought they were ridiculously funny. Yet when I got to the section on men, the behavior described did indeed corresponding to that of sexist males I encounter on the streets, at work, and in relationships.
  - He not only romanticizes and covers up male sexism, he colludes with conventional thinking in offering a portrait of women that suggests that we are innately more interested in caregiving and nurturance.
  - The insistence that there is a naturally biologically based world of sex differences is at the heart of patriarchal thinking. Liberal women and men cannot embrace this thinking and perpetuate it without maintaining an allegiance to patriarchy.
- Antipatriarchal thinking acknowledges the reality of biological differences between genders but recognizes that cultural conditioning has shown itself to be stronger than anatomy - and that anatomy is not destiny.
- Until our culture can break through myth and accept that women are not innately capable of nurturing others, the assumption that women are better able to love than men will prevail. Sexist women are as likely as their male counterparts, if not more so, to insist that women are naturally better caregivers.
  - In actuality, nurturance is a learned behavior.
  - Patriarchal culture is reinforced when males are not taught ways to nurture and care for others.
- An overemphasis on female capacity for caregiving has led many people to make nurturing synonymous with love. In fact, the ability to nurture, to give care, is only one aspect of love.
  - Erich Fromm, <<The Art of Loving>> : Love as an action informed by care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility.
  - Care alone does not create love. Time and time again, individuals testify that women, especially those who are not full self-actualized, who are given only the task of nurturing others, can use nurturance as a way to render the recipients of their care unduly dependent.
- My brother was the only boy in a household of six sisters. He was taught how to communicate and give care when he was a young child, learning the same lessons his sisters learned. However, when he entered adolescence, he learned from the world outside the home, from male peers, that it was more masculine to behave in an uncaring manner toward others. For a short time he went into the withholding, disrespectful-of-others mode, particularly of females, and he ceased communicating. Using John Gary's books, we could say "he entered his cave."
- Care is an aspect of love, but it is not the same.
  - The same patriarchal conditioning that teaches females to believe we are innately nurturing teaches us that we will instinctively know how to give and receive love. We fail at love as much as men do because we simply do not know what we are doing.
- Women are often more interested in being loved than in the act of loving. All too often the female search for love is epitomized by this desire, not by a desire to know how to love.
  - Until we are able to acknowledge that women fail at loving because we are no more schooled in the art of loving than are our male counterparts, we will not find love.
  - As long as our culture devalues love, women will remain no more able to love than our male counterparts are.
  - In patriarchal culture, giving care continues to be seen as primarily female task.
- Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.
  - As long as being loved is seen as a gesture of weakness, one that disempowers, women will remain afraid to love fully, deeply, completely. Women will continue to fail at love.
  - Women will continue to fail at love, because this failure places females on an equal footing with males who turn away from love. Women who fail at loving need not to be disappointed that the men in their lives - fathers, siblings, friends, or lovers - do not give love.
  - Women who learn to love represent the greatest threat to the patriarchal status quo. 
  - By failing to love, women make it clear that it is more vital to their existence to have the approval and support of men than it is to love.