檳榔嶼

Introduction
- Few of us evaluate a prospective partner with the same objectivity and clarity that we might use to select a household applicance or a car.
  - One of the most powerful influences on our choice of a mate is our experience in our first family - inlcuding the quality of our parents' relationships to each other, to us, and to their own own family of origin - we are also deeply affected by gender roles - the specific meanings attached to being male or female that have evolved over many generations in our particular family, class, and ethnic group.
  - Timing is an issue as well. We're prone to fall mindlessly in love at difficult emotional junctures - on the heels of an important loss, for example - whe we're least likely to think clearly.
  - Or we may compromise too much in a relationship or dissipate our energy trying to change him, having been taught that any man is better than no man at all.
  - Moreover, it's almost impossible to imagine what intimate relationships with men - or women - would look like in a different world of true gender equality.
- Historically speaking, women have learned to sacrifice the "I" for the "we" just as men have been encouraged to do the opposite... Many women still end up in relationships where their wants, beliefs, priorities, and ambitions require flexibility and give-and-take; we don't always get what we want.
- But intimacy won't happen if we relentlessly pressure the other person to join us in pursuing it. Nor can we make ourselves happy and secure by trying to shape him into Mr. Right.
  - The best way to work on an initimate relationship is to work on the self.

My Boyfriend Won't Talk About Problems
- Differences don't mean the one person is right and the other is wrong.
- We fare best when we are honest observers of ourselves, and when we use our creativity and flexibility to generate new solutions to old problems.

Is He Having an Affair?
- We can't prevent other people from lying to us, whether through their words or their silence.
- Fear propels us to overreact and to read too much into things or to underreact and ignore what is before our eyes. Anxiety drives us to extremes.
- How well do you know his family and friends? What questions have you asked him about his past relationships? What's hist track record when it comes to honesty and fidelity? Is he usually open or closed about difficult emotional issues in his life? And do you consider yourself to be a jealous person?
- Most important, if you don't trust someone to tell you the truth, don't marry him.
- We can, however, stay as aware as possible and try to live our own lives authentically, truly, and honorably.

What Is Intimacy?
- Intimacy is a large word. No single definition fits all its forms.
  - Intimacy requires mutuality, which means mutual valuing, mutual empowerment, mutual respect, and mutual empathy. A truly intimate relationship fosters the growth of both parties, not just one.
- Jean Baker Miller, five "good things" that occur within a growth-fostering relationship, or even within a growth-fostering conversation :
  1. Each person feels a greater sense of "zest"   (vitality and energy).
  2. Each person feels more able to act and does act
  3. Each person has more accurate picture of herself or himself and of the other person
  4. Each person feels a greater sense of growth
  5. Each person feels more connected to the other person and feels a greater motivation for connections with other people beyond those in the specific relationship.
- Intensity is not the same as intimacy.

Why Can't I Find Mr. Right?
- Many popular books falsely imply that if only we would overcome our personal conflicts - and behave in the right way  - we would have no problem finding and keeping a man.
  - We're apt to blame ourselves, rather than these books, when he fails to show up.
- Finding the right man is a matter of emotional readiness - but it's also a matter of opportunity, effort, and yes, luck.

Is He the One?
- Few of us first compile a list of important qualities and then proceed with the selection process.
  - Many women put more careful judgement into selecting a new toaster oven than they put into evaluating a prospective partner.
- Take your time and draw upon both your intellect and emotions... the more you can slow down and stay clearheaded, the better your chances of gathering a mor objective picture of the man.

My Fiance Has a Violent Temper
- Any man who is out of control during the engagement stage of a relationship may become more out of control in the future.
- What you can control is your own position regarding his behavior.
  - What is your bottom-line position about violence?
- Our culture excuses and even glorifies expressions of violence and aggression in men while teaching women not to take action on our own behalf.
- Marriage is like a lightning rod, absorbing tensions from every source.
  - Marriage often puts women in a position of profound emotional and economic vulnerability.

Should I Lie to Keep Him?
- Lying is hardly the way to build a solid foundation for a relationship.

He Won't Commit
- Pursuers protect distancers.
- Set aside a realistic amount of time - say, 8 weeks - to change your steps in the old dance. During this period, stop focusing on the other one and put your energy back into your work, your friends, and your own life plan.
- A bottom-line position is calm, nonblaming clarification of the limits of what is acceptable or tolerable in relationship.
- Try to underreact - rather than overreact - to his expressions of ambivalence and doubt.
- Focusing on a relationship at the expense of personal goals isn't fair to you and risks overloading the relationship. The best way to work on your relationship is to work on yourself.

I Always Pick the Wrong Guys
- Low self-esteem may lead a woman to feel that she deserves no better than a "lousy guy". 
  - In this way, a woman can avoid the more difficult task of assuming responsibility for the quality and direction of her own life.
- Some women stay with unsuitable guys because we internalize the social dictate that "half a loaf is better than none" (i.e., any man is better than no man.)
  - Yet our society still does not accord equal value and respect to women without male partners.

He Won't Wear a Condom
- Women have a long tradition of pleasing men and sacrificing the self in relationships.
- Women, as a group, are in danger of underreacting, not overreacting, to the critical threat of AIDS.
- A solid and mature partner will compromise his desires rather than invite you to compromise your life.
- Men may lie to women about their sexual history in order to get them to bed.

What If He Says No?
- If you choose to live courageously, you will experience, and survive, many rejections. The only sure way to avoid rejection is to sit mute in a corner and take no risks.

My Fiance Collects Pornography
- Marriage makes it harder, not easier, to clarify the "I" within the "we".

He Wants to See Other People
- Your direction should reflect your own values and beliefs as well as your level of comfort with maintaining the status quo.
  - Pay attention to how you're feeling. Persistent anger or other distress may be a signal that you can't continue in the current situation; it's not healthy for you, and it can't be good for your relationship.

My boyfriend Isn't Generous
- Attitudes about money are passed down through the generations, and our personal views on the subject are shaped by the struggles of family members who came before us.

Should I Move In with Him?
- It's your decision, which should reflect your deepest values, priorities, and desires, along with your best thinking. No one else can determine what's right or best for you.

Do I Take His Last Name?
- Men know that naming matters a great deal, even when they pretend otherwise.

He Hates Spending Time with My Friends and Family
- Arguing won't provide the missing pieces. Changing the pattern will.

My Fiance Doesn't Like Sex
- Don't think that marriage will magically solve the problem. It won't.